No motivation…

… to do anything.

(I’ve had this window open all day… I keep adding and deleting to this post. Wondering if I should keep it in draft or publish it. It is very personal. But writing and sharing is how I process, so if you do end up reading this, thank you.)

I don’t want to make siggies or layouts. I don’t want to exercise or eat right. I don’t want to tackle my to-do list. I have a mile-long list of appointments to make for Anna, my sink is full of dirty dishes, and I have someone who is waiting on me for a paid request.

I don’t know if you saw my Facebook this weekend, but a little boy was killed in our neighborhood this weekend. He was a kindergartner at Dominic’s school and the boy’s stepsister is in Dominic’s class. His little body was dumped a few blocks from our house like a bag of trash and I’m completely tortured by it and can’t stop thinking about him. (I may share more about “mind torture”… it is something that I struggle with a lot, especially at night… but that subject can be another post at another time.)

His name was Julian and he was 5 years old, just one week younger than Dominic. The funeral is tomorrow.

Julian was staying with his father’s girlfriend, his stepsister (also age 5), and his 7-month old half-brother. The father says he hadn’t seen Julian in almost a week. And the mom hadn’t seen her son in a month. There isn’t an official cause of death yet and the police feel that Julian knew his killer. Right now, they have no named suspects. The dad has a criminal history and he’s only 21 years old. When Julian was a baby, CPS was called and they cited neglectful supervision after he was scratched when his mom and dad were arguing.

I keep thinking about this little boy, not seeing his parents before he died. He wasn’t at school Thursday or Friday. The father’s girlfriend woke up Saturday morning at 5:30, found Julian missing and the front door unlocked. His body was discovered at 10:15 a.m. What happened to him? The police say the girlfriend is not a suspect. CPS took her other children (the stepsister who is in Dominic’s class and a baby boy that is the dad’s and hers together). What about the stepsister? Her stepbrother dies and she’s taken away from her mom? She’s not in school, I wonder where she is and how she’s doing.

Since Dominic is sick, he slept with me last night. I kept waking up with my heart racing, sitting bolt upright and studying my son. Do you ever notice how small children seem when they sleep? Dominic seemed so tiny and fragile. I kept touching him all night, running my hands over his head, feeling his little bones. I can’t imagine someone hurting a child, I can’t. My mind is torturing me. I haven’t slept well since we heard about Julian.

My heart goes out to his family. I hope none of them are involved in this tragedy. I hope we get answers. As a community, we are a very caring and involved presence in our children’s lives. It affects everyone here. I guess I needed to share, maybe it will help my mind to stop this endless circling.

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  • Carol Askew - When I became a parent, someone or something hurting my kids became my worst nightmare. What happened to this poor little boy is a tragedy. The fact that it happened in your neighborhood would of course affect you deeply. ((hugs))ReplyCancel

  • Devin - This made my heart hurt. I can't imagine. I hope you feel a little better soon and everyone gets some answers.ReplyCancel

  • The Crosby's - I have had MANY nights of mind torturing… which unfortunately for my husband usually ends up in hours of tears and an aggravated husband who if I don't wake up will have a COMPLETE melt down. Once I became a parent my mind just changed. I've always been afraid of death and someone close to be dying but now that I have 2 little boys I have spent many a nights just staring (mostly at Wes since Ollie hasn't been here yet during a melt down) just thinking "what if". Its a terrible feeling I know and at those moments you feel so alone.
    Right before I had Oliver I found out a girl I know of, her son was killed by his father. I sobbed so hard and could not sleep over it. All I kept thinking about was how scared that little boy must have been and confused by why his own daddy was doing this to him… he was only 2. How someone could hurt something so innocent I will never understand.
    Anyways this is a whole lot of rambling I know. I hope you all get some answers soon about what happened to little Juilan.
    ((hugs))ReplyCancel

  • ~Holly - OMG, Whitney, thank you for sharing that. I thought I might be alone in my mind torture. I had a hard time during pregnancy too… the mystery of life, the purpose of consciousness… sometimes I feel like this is all pointless. I need to find something to believe in, I guess that is love, right? Faith, God, energy, that lifeforce that thrums in all of us. That is what I should focus on, but at night, it's so elusive.ReplyCancel

  • Mommylaroo - (((Holly))) I'm so right there with you. I know that it's totally irrational to get SO caught up in all the "what ifs" but that doesn't make it any easier not to. I think maybe it's just a mom thing. These little creatures are our lives. They're our everything and the thought of losing them is just too much to bare. But they're safe right now in this moment and that is all we can hope for and cling to. Worrying about what "might" happen can't stop it no matter how much we wish for it. At least that's what I tell myself when I get overly anxious… more hugs hun ((HUGS))ReplyCancel

  • The Crosby's - I am right there with you. I have often wondered what the point of all of this is… What is the point in being born just to die some time later. It really makes no since to me. I have a hard time just believing "it will be ok because when the end does come I'll go to Heaven and everything will be ok" because I don't know that for sure. I have a hard time believing in things I can't see. It is something I am working on and have always questioned. I mean there has to be something out there right? My brother actually slipped up and told me about the 2010 theory… well lets just say there were a few not so fun nights after that lol. I just fear the unknown I guess. One night I sat up seriously freaking out over what if something happened to me… would Charlie really be able to pick out an appropriate step mom for my kids?! What if something happened to both of us and my mom… Where would they go?! That was the worst night of them all so far and my husband just couldn't understand where I was coming from. He kept just saying "Well there's nothing you can do about it now so what is the point in getting all worked up?" He will probably never understand the mind torturing that goes on. I hate night time. I have actually made my husband stay up and watch TV until I fall asleep so that I won't be up alone to have all these thoughts.

    I am actually quite thankful for your post because at least I know now that its not just me up at night with all these thoughts going on. My husband has a tendency to make me think I'm crazy sometimes lol. Guess I'm not after all 😉ReplyCancel

  • ~Holly - Thank you, Keisha, Carol, and Devin. I am trying very hard to make the most of each day and not worry too much.

    Whitney, I can't tell you how much it means to me that you've shared your own doubts about the purpose of life. It is something that drives me crazy, especially at night, and Curtis doesn't understand it either. It seems to go in cycles and some nights, I'm able to fall asleep okay. Other nights, it's like my mind gets caught in a loop… or I have a bad dream and wake up… then I start thinking too much about these heavy things. I watch my children sleep. I think about the big questions, knowing there are no real answers.

    Did you know that I have sleep apnea? I wake up not breathing, gasping for air. I've had 2 sleep studies and have tried to wear that CPAP mask, but I can't do it. I guess I'm claustrophobic or something, plus it would totally freak out Anna. Those nights when I'm having a lot of apneas, I think about my own death a lot. I get really scared and then feel depressed the next day. I know it sounds like I'm crazy and probably need a psych or meds, but I am really functional and happy most of the time. I write about my demons to help me not think about this stuff all the time and that helps some. Anyway, I'm thankful for your post too… we can be late night mind torture buddies, ha.ReplyCancel

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